Anyway, as you probably already know, I work in a chain pharmacy. As part of a promotion, the front end of the store was giving away free Gogo's Crazy Bones. Yeah, I had a, "What the..." moment as well. Apparently they are the next Silly Bandz. Whatever possesses our children to go absolutely bat-freaking-loco for these worthless rubber bands is beyond me. On a side note, as I was looking at the Silly Bandz website while researching this post, I saw that they have testimonials.
These are not exercise bikes, computer parts, or workout tapes: they're freaking RUBBER BANDS!
Nevertheless, I can kind of understand why little children want them, because they're colorful and shaped like animals and such. But what I can not understand is what type of parent spends outrageous sums of money (during the height of the craze I saw a 10-pack for $14 at a Rite-Aid) for rubber glorified office supplies. I can go to Staples and buy a bag of rubber bands that weighs a full pound for $5.49. That's about 7.3 billion rubber bands for less than half of what they paid for 10, simply because they're colored and shaped a certain way.
I rant against Silly Bandz because it angers me. But this Crazy Bones crap absolutely infuriates me. The soulless Gorgon who came up with these is simultaneously the most brilliant person on the planet and the most loathsome. Let's look at this scam and you'll see why:
The single packs of Crazy Bones sell for $2.99 at Walgreens. That's for one little plastic toy about the size of a quarter. These things are seriously worthless. Like, I'd be disappointed if I got a Crazy Bones as a Happy Meal toy. But, if you can make the kids think they're cool, they'll all want one. But this is nothing new. What is truly brilliant/amoral is the fact that there are hundreds of different styles and they are all sold in a pouch that you can not see through, so you have no idea which one you are buying.
I'll let that sink in for a minute.
If these guys actually pull this off, they will have successfully created a nigh-limitless gold mine by combining baseball cards with beanie babies.
"I want the green dude with the star on him, cause Billy has that one, and it's his favorite."
"How much do they cost, Johnny?"
"Only $2.99, Mom."
"Oh, that's not too bad. Let's go get you one."
As Johnny and Helen (that's Johnny's Mom. Shut up, it's my story and I get to name them what I want) show up to buy the green one with a star on it, Johnny's mother realizes that they have no clue which Crazy Bones they are purchasing. And with a few hundred possibilities this could get expensive.
"Johnny, I'm not going to keep buying them until you get the one you want. But you can get three of them today and maybe you'll get the green one."
Hope springs eternal and Johnny spends 20 minutes agonizing over his decision, rummaging through the bin, smelling each one to determine which smells the most "green with a starish." Johnny does not get the green one with a star. However, he gets an orange one with a zipper for a mouth. That's pretty cool, so he's not completely disappointed. But the plot doesn't end here...
As Johnny feverishly tears open the pouches to access his treasure, he sees that they also include a sticker of another Crazy Bones character which looks so cool that he must have it (this one looks suspiciously like a Pokemon, but who are we to cry copyright infringement?). This ever-increasing cycle soon consumes Johnny's life. He must have more Crazy Bones. He gets a part-time job cleaning the bathrooms at Wal-Mart (that way he can use his employee discount to buy more Crazy Bones) and withdraws from his friends. Every night he goes to sleep atop his growing mountain of Crazy Bones, and every morning he pulls a Scrooge McDuck before heading off to clean up people's bio-hazardous waste so that he can increase his hoarde.
One day, the unthinkable happens: he gets the green one with a star. This long awaited moment, which he had anticipated to be similar to Nirvana, is underwhelming; especially do to the fact that he was on a break at work when he bought the Crazy Bones and has four minutes before he must return to shoveling poo.
Fortunately, Johnny is not long in his disappointment.
A coalition of starving third-world countries invade America and beat us all to death with our Wii controllers.
The Crazy Bones are all melted down and molded into a gargantuan statue of a ham sandwich. If only Johnny (and his millions of countrymen) had not wasted their time and money on MEANINGLESS CRAP and spent it on something worthwhile, the Ethiopian Alliance might not have hated them with such passion. There's something infuriating about seeing kids spend hundreds of dollars on plastic toys,because they're cool, when you have to set traps for mice so you can eat.
